Post by culpam on May 21, 2006 8:23:36 GMT -5
All this hype about the new film The Da Vinci Code has got me thinking about religion/God. What would happen if we took religion or God or the celebrity version of it, out of celebrity life? Here’s what I’ve come up with:
Actor Ian McKellen who apparently is the only saving grace of the Da Vinci code has said "I'm very happy to believe that Jesus was married. I know the Catholic Church has problems with gay people and I thought this would be proof that Jesus was not gay."
If there was no religion in celebrity-dom, this book (The Da Vinci Code) wouldn’t pick up interest, indeed, not exist and therefore Ian wouldn’t have a problem with the Catholic Church or the Church themselves with gay people. Everyone would be a lot happier without a need to question – something most organised religions are not big on anyway - independent thought and questioning or gayness for that matter.
Tom Cruise would only be a cardboard actor not a couch jumping zelot. Thus taking over the title of “Captain Cardboard” from fellow actor, Paul Walker.
Katie Holmes would still own her own brain and be able to use it. We would think more of her, if she did.
Britney wouldn’t be able to say “I know longer study Kabbalah (like we ever thought you did!) my baby is my religion now.” Which would mean five more minutes of Britney free news in the world rather than (the true)headlines “Britney quits Kabbalah!” (from post chronicle) "Brit's Kabbalocks" (the Mirror, UK)
Madonna wouldn’t be Madonna. She’d be Madge or Michelle or Mia or something else. Because the name Madonna wouldn’t exist or maybe it would but she wouldn’t have had the hit song ‘like a prayer’.
She wouldn’t have been raised a Catholic who rebelled and became the most public celebrity endorser ever, of the most trendy religion of them all, an offshoot of Jewish Mysticism – Kabbalah.
Therefore she might still be a singer, but not a world dominating one. After all if she can’t rebel against her catholic upbringing and use it as a source for her image and music – then where is her voice and attitude and what is she really known for?
Alanis Morrissette couldn’t sing “You know how us Catholic girls can be” because we wouldn’t know what the hell she was singing about.
Sinead O’Conner- wouldn’t have torn up a photo of the Pope. Because there wouldn’t be any need for her display of angst. She could just be happy about herself for once.
All film star and musician celebrities who won awards wouldn’t be able to use the line “I’d like to thank first and foremost – God for giving me this gift” They would thankless or at the very least, sincere.
Director Martin Scorsese wouldn’t have made a flop film called “The Last Temptation of Christ.” So that would be one less failure.
Mel Gibson wouldn’t have made “the passion of the Christ.” And therefore Jim Cavizel who played said central role (Christ) in the film, wouldn’t have been able to perform the stunt of walking on water for the 2004 MTV Awards opener. He would have stepped into the pool and fallen face first into the water and gone down to the bottom with a great big splash. We all would have laughed, a lot harder.
Director/Writer/Silent Bob – Kevin Smith wouldn’t have received death threats before even making one frame of the movie Dogma. Because, there wouldn’t be a need to threat the indie guy making life observation movies.
American movies and George Walker Bush, could no longer utter the line “And God Bless America.” The rest of the world would garner a new ounce of respect for Americans as a result.
American movies would also no longer be able to let they’re presidents say “In God we trust.” They’d actually have to trust they’re fellow mankind, hard thing to do when you’re out to take over the world and become the global super power (life imitating art imitating life???)
Sex Scenes in movies would be more realistic because no body could scream out “oh God!”
Jake and Elwood Blues wouldn’t be on a mission from God and nobody would trust them and therefore they would fail in they’re mission “to put the band back together.” And we’d loose a great film, but in not having the Blues Brothers exist, we wouldn’t have it’s not required, sequel either. So that would kind of even things out a bit.
Movies would no longer be able use the melodramatic line “May god have mercy on your soul.” Souls would in fact be merciless-ly set on they’re way into the ether of the universe.
Gwenyth Parltrow would have to give her second child Moses, a baby boy a new name, perhaps a normal everyday name like Gary.
My Top seven movie quotes mentioning God
1. “We’re on a mission from God.” Jake Joliet Blues, in the Blues Brothers
2. “Our Love is God.” JD in Heathers
3. “That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion.
The Walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buda, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god Lord Ganesha. Now, that takes care of your Eastern religions. Now, the Carpenter, which is obviously a reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son. He represents the Western religions.
Now, in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dup all these oysters into following them, and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en mass.
Now, I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths, based on mythological figures insures the destruction of ones inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of, out of fear of some intangible parent figure that shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, "Do it . . . do it and I'll fu**in' spank you!" – Loki in Dogma
4.Bethany: What's he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier then the faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in Heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
- Conversation between Bethany and Metatron in Dogma
5. Ian: "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs..."
Ellie: "Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth"
- From Jurrasic Park
6. “I’m a golden god!” – Russell in Almost Famous
7. “Oh God, death by mini-bar” – George, My Best Friends Wedding