Post by Flash on May 26, 2008 0:44:01 GMT -5
Q. If two Santa Clauses were coming down a chimney, which one would be the Kiwi? A. The one with a bag full of Easter eggs.
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Did you hear about the Kiwi kidnapper who sent his victim home with the ransom note?
And of the victim's Kiwi parents who sent him back with the money?
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Heres an anonymous contribution about the Scottish, English and Kiwi construction workers who always had lunch together sitting on a long plank, two storeys above the city. One day the Scotsman said: "My wife makes me egg sandwiches every day and I can't stand them any longer. If I get them again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this plank and end it all." The Englishman said: "My wife makes me tomato sandwiches every day and I can't stand them any longer. If I get them again tomorrow, I'm going to finish it all and jump too." The Kiwi said he was sick of his ham sandwiches and if he got them he would do the same. At lunch time the next day there they all were swinging their legs in the breeze anxious to check their sandwiches. Sure enough, the Scotman's wife had let him down and given him egg sandwiches again. So he jumped. The Englishman's wife had made tomato again, so he jumped as well. The Kiwi, now left on his own, before he jumped said to himself: "I don't have to open mine. I know they're ham again because I always make them myself."
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Q. How do you pick out a Kiwi at a car wash? A. He's the one on a motorbike.
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Q.
How do you confuse a Kiwi? A. Take him into a
shed full of shovels and ask him to take his pick.
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Bruce and Wayne are out in the country duck-shooting when Wayne falls to the ground, throws a quick spasm, then lies perfectly still. He doesn't seem to be breathing and looks pretty well dead.
Quick as a flash, Bruce whips out his cellphone and dials 111. He gasps breathlessly to the operator
. . . "Wayne just fell to the ground. He's not breathing. I think he's dead. What can I do?"
Well accustomed to such circumstances, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone . . .
"Okay, Bruce, you must try to stay calm. If anything can be done, we'll do it. But you will have to keep your cool. We can then take it one step at a time. Okay now?"
"Sure, Sure. Of course, you're right. I'm fine. Just tell me what must I do?"
"Great. Now, first of all, let's make sure he's dead."
The line goes silent, then a shot is heard.
Bruce's voice come back down the network . . .
"Okay. What's next?"
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"Hey," says a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Kiwi jokes."
"Before you start," says Bruce, the big bloke in the corner, "I'm warning you - I'm a Kiwi."
"Don't worry," says the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."
----------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Kiwi kidnapper who sent his victim home with the ransom note?
And of the victim's Kiwi parents who sent him back with the money?
---------------------------------------------------------
Heres an anonymous contribution about the Scottish, English and Kiwi construction workers who always had lunch together sitting on a long plank, two storeys above the city. One day the Scotsman said: "My wife makes me egg sandwiches every day and I can't stand them any longer. If I get them again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this plank and end it all." The Englishman said: "My wife makes me tomato sandwiches every day and I can't stand them any longer. If I get them again tomorrow, I'm going to finish it all and jump too." The Kiwi said he was sick of his ham sandwiches and if he got them he would do the same. At lunch time the next day there they all were swinging their legs in the breeze anxious to check their sandwiches. Sure enough, the Scotman's wife had let him down and given him egg sandwiches again. So he jumped. The Englishman's wife had made tomato again, so he jumped as well. The Kiwi, now left on his own, before he jumped said to himself: "I don't have to open mine. I know they're ham again because I always make them myself."
-------------------------------
Q. How do you pick out a Kiwi at a car wash? A. He's the one on a motorbike.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
How do you confuse a Kiwi? A. Take him into a
shed full of shovels and ask him to take his pick.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Bruce and Wayne are out in the country duck-shooting when Wayne falls to the ground, throws a quick spasm, then lies perfectly still. He doesn't seem to be breathing and looks pretty well dead.
Quick as a flash, Bruce whips out his cellphone and dials 111. He gasps breathlessly to the operator
. . . "Wayne just fell to the ground. He's not breathing. I think he's dead. What can I do?"
Well accustomed to such circumstances, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone . . .
"Okay, Bruce, you must try to stay calm. If anything can be done, we'll do it. But you will have to keep your cool. We can then take it one step at a time. Okay now?"
"Sure, Sure. Of course, you're right. I'm fine. Just tell me what must I do?"
"Great. Now, first of all, let's make sure he's dead."
The line goes silent, then a shot is heard.
Bruce's voice come back down the network . . .
"Okay. What's next?"
------------------------------------------------------------
"Hey," says a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Kiwi jokes."
"Before you start," says Bruce, the big bloke in the corner, "I'm warning you - I'm a Kiwi."
"Don't worry," says the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."